THE LIGHTNESS OF BEING

You think that I can’t live without your love
You’ll see,
You think I can’t go on another day.
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side,
You’ll see
Somehow, someday

-“You’ll See”, Susan Boyle, “I Dreamed a Dream” album

There was a time that waking up was a wearisome activity. I’d lie on my bed wondering why I had to get out of bed. There was a heaviness inside me that left me enervated. Was it burnt-out? Was it my collapsed world further sinking in the abyss? On hindsight, it was both. I was burnt-out from a job that was a bedlam of crippling office politics. It was astonishing how some people took to office politics like fish to water. This former friend – I’ve since severed our friendship – had no qualms of manipulating events to suit her, looking for scapegoats (like me) for her mistakes and carrying on like she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth although clearly she wasn’t. There isn’t anything wrong with not being born into money, but pretending to be moneyed and elegant and being condescending is completely revolting. It was risible to see her parading like a peacock with her branded outfit and bags, which, unknown to all, were received through coercion. She wasn’t the kind that didn’t badger business associates into giving what she wanted for free; she only knew how to take and when she had sucked out the life of her poor victim would drop them like unwanted merchandise on Boxing Day. Anyone who fell into her web of deceit emerged embittered, if not her complete clone

Another colubrine colleague-friend threw her weight around because the Gods at work smiled down at her. Like Witch One, she thrived in the chasm of manipulation and duplicity, blaming others for her foul-ups, engaging in back-stabbing and character assassination, and harassing business associates for merchandise discount. She shamelessly clawed her way up the ladder of social acceptability and strutted in her bargained branded clothes and accessories.

Part of the heaviness lifted when I parted ways with these shifty people – the receptacles of “bad” energy. My chi slowly restored itself to its original state and, little by little, that part of me that disappeared returned. I felt a lightness of being although, admittedly, my heart still grieved for a lost love. But waking up wasn’t that tedious anymore. Yoga balanced the emotional rollercoaster my inner self was on. Writing kept me whole and centered.  When I went home for Christmas I received a mega dose of lightness being. Surrounded by family, each day was a new day filled with activities, togetherness and silence, the kind where you don’t have to say or do anything to fill the void – you simply bask in the company without uttering a single word.

The infusion hasn’t waned and, after catching myself, I realized I was waking up nowadays with a sense of purpose, elation and optimism. Susan Boyle singing “You’ll See” has a different meaning now: I’m moving on without him by my side sans the bitterness. Sadness – a tinge of sadness – still engulfs me at times but they no longer leave me battered inside out. Feeling light, I now see the sun from behind the clouds.

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