You’re not diagnosed with any debilitating illness. In fact, the last blood work you had showed you are most certainly in good health. Your doctor was pleased that you managed to keep the cholesterol level down because you stayed away from fried food and other lip-smacking but cholesterol-laden dishes. Good for you! You exercised regularly, too, and you still do. Didn’t your personal trainer remarked how stronger and leaner you have become? Rejoice! You are in tip-top shape. So, why do you feel like the world is one bleak wintry landscape that you always wake up to?
You find your self-made routine repetitive and monotonous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s the routine you set up for yourself being the creature of habit that you are. Reading has always been your solace – it still is except you find yourself less spirited than you started out. You have always managed to come out of the book you immersed yourself in unscathed, but this time you pushed the book aside, hoping to pick it up later, when you started feeling like Madame Bovary and how the world weighed heavily on your shoulders. Working out has become the crutches you cling to with tenacity except about a week ago you were ready to throw them away. Eating has become mundane; if only you could go on without repast and not get vertiginous.
Social interaction, you realise, is tiring, to say the least. You want to engage people in conversation except you seem to know the outcome having written the scene in your mind. The ending is always the same; you leave feeling as if you never had a conversation at all. Worse, you feel ostracized. Yet you try and push yourself socialise, only to end up absolutely empty at times. Then you start to question yourself – are you going mad? Have you joined the ranks of the living dead?
Solitude has never been a problem with you. You actually revelled in solitude. You left your world every now and then to re-join society and returned when you felt you’ve had enough. But lately, it’s different. You dread stepping out of your world because you don’t see any point in the exercise.
“What’s up universe? Another one of your pranks?” you mumble to yourself.