Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

GUARDS ON DUTY

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Target, Santa Clarita

Target is a treasure trove of surprises. I was strolling along the aisles when I chanced upon such as this unlikely alliance between these iconic figurines. I suddenly had a vision of Darth Vader and Leonardo standing guard outside my office at Global Prestasi School. Too bad that they couldn’t fit into my luggage.

CUP OF TEA

I am not one to argue with a sage if I don’t know any better. The Sage of Tea, Lu Yu, is someone I won’t question about tea. He wrote the compendious book on tea, The Classic of Tea, and I do agree with his thoughts on tea, such as it has a calming effect. I drink chamomile when I want my thoughts to quiet down and relax the knotted muscles. I normally have a cup at night for a good night’s sleep. Now, peppermint is good for when my stomach starts acting up again; it is better than popping a tablet. While dining in a Chinese restaurant, I normally have chrysanthemum or jasmine tea (no sugar) with the meal. It aides in digestion I was told. As for green tea – I am biased towards the genmaicha green tea – it is perfect when I am marking papers, as it gives the brain power an extra boost. Adding to the efficacy of green tea is it helps one with pulling down the weight.Then I had a cup of peppermint one fine afternoon at Hotel Ibis Bencoolen in Singapore. Now, I dare add to the Sage of Tea’s quotes on tea. I am thinking “Tea can make you laugh.” Or “Tea is perfect for exercises on malapropism.”

MISDIRECTED

The meeting was at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at the new mall of Eastwood Mall in Quezon City. I was excited to see two of my long time high school friends, Melie and Joy. Joy lives in California with her husband and two sons while Melie lives in Quezon City with her immediate and extended family. Whenever we are all in the Philippines, we make it a point to catch up. 
Arriving at Eastwood Mall, I headed to the information counter to ask for directions. It was my first time at the mall.

Me: “Good afternoon. Can you please tell me where Coffee Bean is?”

Receptionist: “Good afternoon, Ma’am. Go to the end and exit this building. Walk the sky bridge until the end. Coffee Bean is at the other side.”

Me: “So, go to the end, exit, on to the sky bridge and Coffee Bean is at the other end.”

Receptionist: “Yes, Ma’am.”

Me: “Thank you and Happy New Year.”

Receptionist: “You’re welcome, Ma’am. Happy New Year, too.”

Following her directions, I was on the look out for the sky bridge when I exited the building. Lo and behold! There was a wonderful canvas of sky blue dotted by puffs of clouds.

Me: “Good Lord! Where is the sky bridge?”

My gaze veered to the left and spotted the huge Coffee Bean sign. I followed the circuitous pathway and – surprise, surprise – reached a short, concrete Japanese bridge which I crossed to get to Coffee Bean.

CHUCKLE WHILE YOU WAIT

Staid as an English butler isn’t how I’d describe the ambience at La Tartine, the restaurant and breakfast place for guests staying at Hotel Puri Tempo Doeloe. While the kitchen rustled up my breakfast, I was piqued at the knick-knacks on display and particularly the signs. The ambience definitely reeked of the irreverent behaviour of Queen of Pop Madonna commingled with the witticism of TV host Jimmy Fallon that is a bit out of place in prim and proper Sanur, Bali. But that’s part of the charm of La Tartine, its disarming laidback milieu that indubitably cracks you up. Even Snow White’s Grumpy couldn’t keep his irascible demeanour.

Whoever said that women are docile creatures is in for a rude awakening at La Tartine. The owner definitely has his/her image of women different from the conventional one. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Sign 4_WomanSign 5_CoffeeSign 2_Breakfast in bedBreaking wind as a joke is so passé until you see this sign. It has a refreshing take on the staleness of it.

Sign 1 _Farting_The last sign that my gaze fell on shortly before my breakfast of nasi goreng (fried rice) arrived was one rib tickler. The timing was so apt since “Fifty Shades of Grey” was then playing in the cinemas.

Sign 3_Snow White S&MWaiting for your food has never been funny or has it?

 

La Tartine Café-Restaurant

Jl. bypass Ngurah Rai 209

Sanur, Bali

Tel: 0361 286542

SHOPPER’S BEST BUD

Eureka! Here is the answer to a shopaholics’ dire predicament of not having enough space to fit everything they bought in their bag. This gargantuan Webe bag greets people the moment they emerge from meandering walk within the souvenir shopping area that they pass through to get through their departure gates from the check-in area on the first floor at the Ngurah Rai airport in Denpasar, Bali.

TONGUE-IN-CHEEK

Putting down the red pen,
irritation seeps in.
There is no end to this madness
of correcting the misspelled “dissappointed”
or putting a full-stop or ? or ! at the end of the sentence.
A silent shriek goes through my head: “Let me outta here!”
A break – I need a break that was more than the trite Kit Kat break.
Zing! There can only be that one that can take the frustration.
Smooth like well polished marble tiles;
soft as whipped butter;
and demure as a young Victorian lady
waiting for her gentleman caller.
Sophie’s creation would have been perfect
– with green tea to boot – but Georgetown
but Tiffany’s
12 Cupcakes
would do for now.
Yes! Oh yes!
I’m going on a break.

A box of red velvet goodness to banish frustration away. [Cupcakes by Tiffany's]

A box of red velvet goodness to banish frustration away. [Cupcakes by Tiffany’s]

With pearl milk tea, 12 Cupcakes' red velvet cupcake is divine.

With pearl milk tea, 12 Cupcakes’ red velvet cupcake is divine.

Have a break - bite into your red velvet cupcake by Tiffany's.

Have a break – bite into your red velvet cupcake by Tiffany’s.

THE SINGLE ON VALENTINE’S

Unlike most singles, I have a few weeks respite from being badgered about my marital status. Big holidays are always hard on the singletons as they are plagued by queries about their love life and poked fun at for being without a partner. The big holidays with its endless get-togethers are Christmas followed by Chinese New Year. Valentine’s Day isn’t a big family affair but the whole community – from restaurants to shopping malls – is in on shining the spotlight on the singletons. I don’t observe Chinese New Year although I join in the festivities so I get a few weeks off from the harassment.

Finding Love Shows Heart In Maze by Stuart Miles (www.freedigitalphotos.net)

Finding Love Shows Heart In Maze by Stuart Miles (www.freedigitalphotos.net)

In my 20s, Christmas was when the singleton in my family took centre stage when kith and kin speculated on my status. The nosey ones did not relent with their catty remarks (“Time has left me.”) and crude jokes (“I should be less opinionated so I can find a partner.”) that riled me to no end. It got worse when I was compared to my cousins who were in committed relationships. Attending family gatherings transformed into a difficult chore because there was nothing endearing about being cast as the black sheep of the family.

Twenty plus years later, age has mellowed my otherwise belligerent stance and caustic retorts to the relationship-police who never fail to try and wheedle out of me my state of romantic affairs. I have learnt since them to let everything slide off like water on a duck’s tail. In a way, it seemed like I wrote the scenes beforehand and went over them in my head in preparation for the usual grilling.

One scenario went something like this.

A relative would ask, his tone a mixture of sarcasm and mockery: “O, kailangan ka ba ikakasal?”

Me: “Oh, am still waiting for the answer from the guy am courting. You will be the first one to receive a wedding invite. Promise.”

Relative was gobsmacked at my retort because, for him, it was completely sacrilegious. Sacrilegious in two ways – my singlehood and that I was “running” after a man and, on top of it, proposing. In his prejudiced view of women, the man should be the one proposing marriage. It was completely unthinkable for a woman to express her feelings; she had to wait for someone to claim her as his. I was kidding naturally although I am not averse to the idea of being the one to propose. I knew he was going to go apoplectic once he heard my answer, but I just wanted to shine the light on his atavistic thinking and make him squirm with uneasiness in his seat.

Scenario 2 was something like this.

Relative: “O, wala pa bang kasalan?”

Me: Not in the near future. I can’t find someone young and good-looking.

Gobsmacked as always, my relative (a different one) was grappling with the thought of moi dating someone my junior. Again, within the biased mindset of women and marriage, an older woman in a relationship with a very young man is unacceptable.  The exchange would never progress after my retort. Had I said something sounding like an apology for my “sorry” state (sorry state in his mind) and was looking worried, he would have launched into a speech of what I should do to solve my “problem”, which always amounted to just one thing. That is, settle for the first one that comes my way even if the man is a class A schmuck.

A new scenario played out in a recent get-together at the start of the New Year that caught me by surprise. It was, admittedly, a pleasant surprise. In the midst of waiting for my order of fish balls to cook, my aunt from my mother’s side asked me nicely if I was married. I said nicely because, one, she had a smile and, two, the tone was far from jeering. Running through my mind for the list of my ready answers, I settled for “Not yet. Am enjoying my life and I can’t find anyone good- looking.” I said it with a smile and she smiled back.

” Tama yan. Mag-enjoy ka,” she said genuinely.

I nearly dropped the fish ball I was about to eat. It was such a refreshing remark. There was no trace of sarcasm or pity when she said it. The fact that her sentiment was echoed by her former nanny- turned family-friend made it doubly refreshing and mind-blowing to see the age-old cycle of perpetuating the bigoted notion of unmarried women finally broken in my family, at least on my mother’s side. I chomped on my plate of fish balls with gusto after that.

Valentine’s Day is just in a week’s time and the ambience is somewhat different from the previous years. My atavistic relatives are nowhere in sight. The community I am living in right now has a different take on singletons – it is none of their business although you feel this silent, unobtrusive wish that they soon find someone to spend their life with.  The wish, I realized, smacks with unfeigned sincerity in wanting one to be happy because there is no judgement that comes with it. A singleton isn’t viewed as an anomaly or as a lost cause. Saying “I am single” on Valentine’s Day is a mere statement of fact, not a badge of shame.

So, yes, I am single.